The Two Moms Debacle

Got this email a few days ago:

[me], is there anything I can do for you to help you out in your situation? If there is, please let me know. I would like to be able to do something and I am so far away! I thought maybe get [MIL] to send me e-mails if she can type or even if she can't, to hunt and peck a note back and forth. It could be an outlet for her to express what she is feeling and I don't care how much or what she raves about (you know what I mean) ((author note: she means raving about my BIL)), just writing it sometimes is theraputic. I love you and worry about you and I can't do much for you so far away. Just writing e-mails helps me if you answer. I can't get you on the phone so I feel I am only left with writing. By the way, what is [MIL]'s phone number. I don't have it since they came back to Vegas.
Please let me know. Love MOM

So I broke down and called her. Because she sounded somewhat sincere. But I was wary in the phone call and did not open up much. I told her there really is nothing she can do that I can think of. My MIL hates computers, does not own one, does not have an email address, so writing online to each other would not help. And I don't think my MIL would care quite frankly. She doesn't care about much these days. But since my mother seemed to desperately need me to assign her a task I suggested she write a hand written letter and send it to my MIL. I just hope she doesn't get too preachy. My mother has the tendency to start spouting off about God a lot when she needs guidance, which is fine for her but I know some people don't take kindly to that and my MIL would be one of those people.

We left the phone call on somewhat good terms, even though she once AGAIN asking me if we heard anything about the sale of our house (woman, if I had heard something don't you think I WOULD TELL YOU???)and I had to bite my tongue. She was having an "on" day, which is what I am starting to call what I believe are her manic up swings. The "off" days are when she is a blubbering mess and a manic low, always thinking of herself and her needs before others. Since I never know which mom I am going to get I decided I am no longer going to expect her to be there for me when I need someone. I will rely on all of you to help me out and just keep her in the loop.

Unfortunately I am starting to have the same issues I used to have with my MIL before everything happened. I guess the shock of everything has worn off enough for her to start acting a bit like her old self. Basically she is always right, I am always wrong, no matter what. It can be infuriating, especially when you KNOW you are right and she insists her way or doing something, her idea of how something is, her notion that things are a certain way is absolutely correct. Problem is, I feel like I can't press any issues because she is still in a vulnerable state and I don't want to upset her. But oh does it irk me to no end. Especially when my husband takes her side. It's happening more and more, them ganging up on me and bullying me around where I just shut up before I speak my mind or leave the room because I can't take things any more.

This is a far cry from the past five weeks where nothing I did was questioned or scrutinzed and in fact I was praised for my ability to complete tasks no one else could do and keep everyone going and helped them get through each day. Now it feels like old times when my every move is suspect. Not something I like to feel when I am constantly forced to spend every single moment not at work with the person who is my biggest critic and advesary. There is no getting away this time since we live, eat and breath all the time with my MIL. I hope I am not coming off as bitchy or insensitive, because I am. Being sensitive to her situation is what has stopped me from speaking my mind at all. But the need to check myself all the time is becoming more and more difficult as she becomes more and impossible.

The other day my MIL brought up the fact she does not want a will because my BIL told her not having one would be easier on all of us since with no estate there would be no way any debt collectors could come after us for their money due. She went on and on about how bad it was to have a will. I spoke up and said wills are not just about money and property, it is a way to ensure your children don't end up in foster care or your animals don't end up at the pound. It is also how you can make sure your cherished items get to the right people. I have always thought having a will actually helps your things be protected against debt collectors, but I admit I don't know much about them. Which is why I have always wanted my husband and I to look into them and then make a decision on what we want to do. But once his mother started spouting off, my husband agreed with her and basically said wills are shit. I was so mad at him I didn't speak to him for half the day. When he finally got me to tell him why I was mad I explained we are a unit, we make decisions based on what is best for us. Not on what his mom thinks or what his parents did or what his BIL preaches. He needs to respect my wishes to look into a will and then we decide AS A UNIT if that is what we want to do. He apologized and agreed with me, but I am getting tired of always having to defend myself.

The other incident was when my husband suggested I help out and cook the rest of our dinner one night while he grilled some steaks. I thought about saying I think you mother likes to cook because it keeps her busy and then she doesn't think about things, but I didn't. I wish I had because she hovered, literally hovered over my shoulder telling me I was doing this wrong and that needs to be like this and you need to add this first. I finally just told her I was afraid I would not do it right so maybe she should take over, which she happily did. I have vowed to not cook one thing in that kitchen while we are living with her, unless she is not around. Which she always is, so I guess I don't have to worry about that.

I feel bad complaining like this. I know she is suffering and I am trying to be understanding. Maybe this is her way of dealing. But if it is I am going to have to figure out how to deal with it better because I am close to my breaking point. And we haven't even been there three weeks yet.