Bad Night

Yesterday I snapped.

I didn't mean to but my emotions had been frayed. After still suffering from stomach ailments, finding out my MIL had yet again done something without checking with us and now we had to make several more phone calls to fix things, my husband closing the garage door on the rear bumper of my car and gouging the paint, discovering in the bathroom of a Subway that I was not in fact pregnant after being four days late and breaking down sobbing and then once again having my MIL argue with me over something so trivial as how long my husband and I were gone on an errand, I just broke. I yelled, but was careful to direct it toward my husband and not my MIL who I was really angry at, and then stomped off to furiously clean the bathroom and laundry room and try to calm down.

I lasted three weeks until I broke.

I am so upset with myself. I should have let things go. I really can't blame my emotions or sleep deprivation or anything because I know better. She is in a bad place, she is acting out of grief, I can't blame her and I should be the bigger person. But at the same time I worry about the bad habits she is forming. Her refusing to learn how to do anything on her own. Her going with my husband every night he works and spending hours inside a casino spending money she doesn't have. She is becoming more dependent on people, and I worry what she will do when we move out. Because she won't be able to lean on others forever, as harsh as that is to point out. She needs to be prepared to be independent and capable on her own. And my husband is no help. He doesn't want to upset her, doesn't want to tell her what to do because she is his mother. And she is a grown up. But the problem is, she has never had to act like an independent grown-up, she always had her husband to take care of everything. Things have changed, so must she. But no one wants to be the bad guy and make her actually do it.

However, me flipping out over a silly remark is not helping matters either.

I have so many worries and concerns it is hard to know where to start fixing things first. I fear there is too much to fix.

Last night was the first time I ever actually thought what I would do if things became to hard to handle and I decided to leave my husband. And then I hated myself even more for contemplating that for one second. I was upset and angry and emotional. I can't trust my feelings or thoughts at that time.

But I can't help but wonder, do I have an ultimate breaking point?