And The Walls Came Crashing Down

It all started with one mis-sent text.

A silly thing really. Had the proper recipient gotten the text in the first place everything that followed probably could have been avoided. Looking back on the events of yesterday, I have been told by several people what happened wasn't my fault, it wasn't anyone's specific fault and this would have happened sooner or later. In fact, people have told me it was probably better that it happened now rather than later because the end result would have been much more dire later. Much more damaging.

Yesterday B and his mother went to an early morning slot tournament at a local casino. I was grumpy to begin with that they went because a) I don't know why B has to go everywhere and do everything with his mother all the time and b) she doesn't have the money to spend all morning in a casino where she is app to play for hours on end. The constant spending has been a bone of contention between B and I. I tell him, as the person helping her with her finances he needs to tell her to stop gambling away so much money and he tells me he doesn't know how to tell her no since that is when she feels closest to her departed husband.

While they were gone I luxuriated in the fact I had the house to myself and watched some shows I had been slacking on. Then my friend J called and I took the opportunity an empty house gave me and unloaded on her all of my pent up frustrations and concerns from the last two months. I stressed highly on B's inability to spend any time alone with me at all since he is always coddling his mother. I understand he doesn't want to upset her but the hard reality is we are not always going to be here so she needs to start doing more things on her own. She never leaves the house unless it is with one of us and she spends a lot of time sitting around the house doing nothing. I know it has only been two months but as we get closer and closer to the time when we get our own place as soon as our house is sold I fear her dependency upon B will be too great and us leaving will be another huge loss for her to bear.

After venting to J for about an hour I called B to see where things were for the day. They had mentioned me coming at a later hour for lunch. When I talked to B I told him about a free movie ticket I had found that expires February 1st. I asked if he would like to go to a movie with me, thinking his mother drove her truck over there, she could leave if she wanted to since we would have my car when I arrived. He hesitated so long I said, "Well, I guess I could go see Leap Year myself..." wanting him to insist no, he would be going with me to see Legion and I would get at least two hours alone with my husband. A rarity lately. But B instantly said that sounded like a great idea, he would keep his mother company while I went to the movie by myself and he would see me afterwards.

Needless to say I was pissed. Having just bitched to J about this very problem I was having I quickly sent her a two part text complaining about my husband's inability to detach himself for two hours from his mother to spend time with me. The texts were such:

Text #1: Just have to tell you one hing. We have a free movie ticket that is going to expire Feb. 1st. So I suggested we go to a movie together, B and I.

Text #2: He just said it would be better if I go to a movie by myself and keep his mother company while she gambles since we have no money. ???? So not the point!

It would have ended right then and there. I would have gone to the movie, calmed down while I watched and then been cool and collected when I saw them for lunch later.

But that second text? The one where I bitch about B picking his mom over me? Yup, I sent it to B instead of my friend.

Having received the wayward text B sends me this in return:

I think that was supposed to go to someone else. I want to go to a movie with you that's not what I meant. So is Mom just going to hang out here because she probably won't go home.

I was thinking about my options when I got another text from B right after:

Mom said she would hang out here if I wanted to go to the movie with you. When does it get out so I can tell her how long we will be?

That sent me over the edge. I couldn't even have two hours with my husband without him worrying about his mother every second. It's not like I was asking him to run away with me for three weeks in Italy. I wanted to see a movie. His mother had her own transportation, had driven it several times and was comfortable, so she could go home. Or she could stay and spend more of her money, I didn't care. All I wanted was two hours.

Here's where everything turns out to be my fault.

I texted B back and said I already secured a friend to go with me to Leap Year (a lie) so he was off the hook. All the way to the casino I stewed. I should have gone to another theatre because my plan of walking right in to the movie so I didn't have to see B face to face in order to give me time to chill out for awhile was foiled when I saw him standing right in front of the ticket window.

With his mother hovering behind him.

Something in me snapped. If it had just been B standing there I could have said my piece to him and we might have been okay. But her there meant I had to tread carefully on what I was going to say because I did not want to upset her.

Unfortunately my mouth doesn't always agree with my brain.

B: "Where's your friend?"

Me: "She couldn't make it."

MIL: "Well then why don't you go to the movie with B..."

Me: (turning and pointing my finger) Because I don't want to go with HIM, I want to go by myself."

And I stalked away.

Ooops.

Of course the line for the tickets was very long so it made my storming exit that much more unimpressive. Out of the corner of my eye I could see B and his mother talk and then she left. B sat at a machine and just stared at me. By the time I was three people from the window I was so uncomfortable I left the line and made my way over to B.

That is how we ended up having a much needed discussion in the middle of a noisy casino.

There were tears on both sides, raised voices and wild hand gestures (mostly me since B just sat there) I told him about my need to have him pay attention to me at least a little bit. I wasn't asking him to ignore his mother for me but an hour here or there with him was something I needed. I explained my worry about her dependence on him, how she was replacing his father with B and not trying things for herself because he was doing everything for her. There is a big difference between helping her and doing things for her. B expressed his worry about the fact that she still talks about killing herself and he doesn't want to leave her alone or upset her even more. We talked a long time. We ended up agreeing to go to our house together and letting his mother stay at the casino and leave when she wanted to in her truck. B just had to go over there and explain what happened and why.

I wasn't there. I could only see B's head bobbing up and down over the machines as he talked to her. He took a long time and when he came back I could see it did not go well. Apparently his mother just shut down and kept insisting everything is her fault. She was causing problems between us. B told her it was not her fault, it was his reaction to her and how HE doesn't want to leave her alone. She just kept repeating it was her fault and said she wouldn't interact with us any more. We could live our lives and she would live hers.

And here is when I make things worse.

I marched over there and made her look at me. I firmly told her about finding a balance between spending time together and us spending time with her. That it does not need to be all black and white, all or nothing. We are three different people so it is going to take some time to find what works for us but we would get there. I also told her why B doesn't like to leave her alone and she said she never said she was going to kill herself. I told her she maybe never said those exact words but her always saying she doesn't want to be here, she would rather be with dad, it would be better and easier if she were dead...all those things said to her son make him think she is planning on killing herself. So she says she won't say those things any more and I just need to leave her alone. She tells me to go.

So we left.

We left my fragile mother-in-law alone in a casino. With a truck she had yet to drive alone. And it was raining.

Yup. I suck.

B and I went down to our house and talked. And talked some more. And talked a lot more. We talked about everything and made some revelations. He has always thought I resented him for dragging us to Vegas and so it is his fault our life is shit now. But I realized I don't resent him, I resent his parents. Because if they hadn't moved out here he wouldn't have wanted to come. We discussed a lot of things, so much I can't even get into it all. But I ended up telling him that he needed to let his brothers in on what was really going on here. because they were sure to be getting only the glossy semi-happy version from their mother. We were living in the hell everyday and they had no clue. Plus B needs someone, other than me, who he can talk to about his worries and concerns. It is too much for one person or even two people to handle. Stuff like his worry about her gambling and wanting to kill herself. So B called his brothers and got them involved. And we opened their eyes to a lot of things they had no idea were going on.

What happened next will take another post because things get worse. A lot worse. A WHOLE lot worse. But this post is very very long and I need to take a break from the drama for a few moments.

To be continued...