An Open Letter To My Coworkers

To Coworker #1,
Do you actually ever accomplish anything during your shift? I counted 11 times you wandered into the break room during the 45 minutes I sat in there and ate my dinner. Don't you have anything better to do than to make comments on what I am eating, yell at the people on the TV and check the paper towel roll 6 times? Trust me, it has not unspooled itself and gone empty even after the first five times you checked.

To Coworker #2,
You called me to ask what time to come in, I told you 3:45 was the latest. You came in one hour and 15 minutes after that time, and then disappeared after the show until almost 9:30 PM and you have the gall to say I am disrespecting you when I ask where you have been and that I need to treat you like a man. I'll treat you with respect and like a man when you start acting like one. And your little threat about needing to teach me a lesson, I am just waiting to file a harassment case against you so go ahead. Your tirades on your phone with "fuck this, fuck that" and talking about how you are going to beat someone up because he owes you money for some product he got from you...not going to scare me. It is only going to get you a ticket out. You have responsibilities and work to do, so act appropriately or get out!

To Coworker #3,
Do you really think trying to joke around with me is going to make me forget what you did? You threatened me for no reason, told me you hate me and never will like me and now you want to act like nothing happened? Especially when your sister is busy trashing me around the office? I don't think so buddy!

To Coworker #4,
You are my boss. Why do you think showing up to an event (where your subordinates are going to be) drunk off your ass is a good thing? Better yet, seeing you propped up against a wall puking your guts out in front of the general public I guess is a great testament to your ability to be a good manager. I really loved seeing that as I walked up to the restaurant. My boss, standing in a puddle of his own puke leaning against the corner of the building for support as everyone walking by, including those of us you manage, walked in. And then to disappear so we are left to think you are dead in a ditch somewhere? Not cool. Next time you shuffle yourself off into a cab to go home and sleep it off, tell the people you came with so we don't have to cut our fun time short and go searching the entire shopping complex for your sorry ass.